


Changes

by Cottonness



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Future Fic, Jaehyun misses Johnny, Johnny drives with one hand on the wheel, Light Angst, M/M, Non AU, Please read notes, but fluffy, mentions of insomnia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24947407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cottonness/pseuds/Cottonness
Summary: They might drive you half insane butIt's killing you to stay the same butIt's all gonna work outIt's all gonna work out somedayToo much has changed, and Jaehyun longs for the person who is now out of his reach.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 22
Kudos: 100





	Changes

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off "Changes" by Lauv, because its a song which I've been listening to a lot lately. 
> 
> This is a future non-au (if that makes sense) and it talks about 127 being on hiatus, so please don't read it if you're not okay with that sort of setting. It also talks about insomnia and sleeping pills quite a bit. 
> 
> I apologise in advance, but if any of these topics make you uncomfortable, please turn back!

_They might drive you half insane but_

_It’s killing you to stay the same but_

_It’s all gonna work out_

_It’s all gonna work out someday_

Jaehyun woke up in the middle of the night.

The room was oddly serene, and for a second, he half expected himself to hear Jungwoo’s breathing from the other side of the room.

But then again, how long had it been since Jaehyun had left the dorms? The room felt too silent; the room he had picked about an year ago, because of the spaciousness that he had so longed for when he was living in the dorms. But now, it was too big. Too much empty space, Jaehyun felt small. And while he wasn’t a small man at all, but here he was, feeling small in his own goddamn house.

Just like how he felt being next to him.

.

“Jaehyun, you have a photo shoot for... are you alright? Did you sleep?”

Jaehyun smiled tiredly at his manager, nodding his head. “I’m alright, hyung. Just some things on my mind.”

His manager looked at him worriedly, opening his mouth to say something but closing it again. Jaehyun knew what he was going to say,has been trying to say for the past couple of months.

“...alright, tell me if you need a break. I’m sure we can squeeze some time somewhere.”

Jaehyun smiled once again, his dimples showing. “Thank you, hyung.”

It had been a year since NCT 127 has put their activities on halt. A year since Jaehyun began his career as “Jeong Jaehyun” without any other name to him. A solo artist, one might say. A model, an actor, others said.

It wasn’t a surprise for them or the fans, Jaehyun thought. They had grown older, all of them, and they had all begun chasing after their individual dreams and activities. The members were still close as ever, messaging and spamming the group chat at all times. Nothing seemed wrong on the outside - but only on the outside.

Jaehyun closed his eyes as the car started, taking him to his next schedule, whatever it was. His fans always told him how proud of him they were, how proud they were to see Jaehyun having so many solo activities, constantly being busy and booked.

He couldn’t be more thankful to be busy and having so many jobs, he was grateful, but he couldn’t help but question how they were all okay to see him being alone. Sure, he always had a lot of solo jobs since 127 was active, but now he didn’t star on covers with “Jaehyun from NCT 127” but only “Jeong Jaehyun”.

And they seemed happy about it.

He sighed, as he opened his playlist and scrolled down until he saw the one song he was looking for. The playlist had a soft spot in his heart, especially because there were so many songs with all sorts of memories. Memories with the members. Memories with him.

Jaehyun closed his eyes as he let the voice of Lauv seep into his ears, hoping that the next time he opened his eyes, everything was going to work out.

.

“Jaehyun hyung!”

Jaehyun smiled at the sound of his name from Mark. He was always fond of the younger, and he couldn’t help but smile whenever he caught sight of him.

“Hyung! God, it’s been ages!” Mark said as Jaehyun laughed and hugged the smaller boy.

“Barely two months, Mark. And it’s because you were in the States for all that time. Busy and booked, huh?” Jaehyun said, releasing the younger and teasing him as usual.

Mark grinned, showing the same youthfulness that he had since he was a trainee. Jaehyun couldn’t help but feel reassured to see Mark, not having changed after all these years.

“Yeah, well who’s talking? I saw the ad hyung, you looked so good!” Mark exclaimed, hitting the elder on his shoulder.

Jaehyun laughed, as he shook his head. He never took compliments too well, especially when they were from his members. “Thanks, thanks. I’m glad I don’t seem super puffy, I couldn’t sleep too well the night before.”

Jaehyun was sure his tone was light, but Mark’s face immediately fell at the words.

 _Ah, shit_.

“Really, it’s not a big deal. Just a little overwhelmed recently.” Jaehyun quickly added, hoping it would relieve the younger. Mark nodded slowly and gravely, his eyebrows still furrowed.

“Speaking of being busy, did you hear Taeil hyung’s OST? It charted so well, I was impressed.” Jaehyun said, trying to change the subject.

It worked, as Mark’s eyes lighted up again, nodding enthusiastically. “I know! Deserved, though. He only gets better and better.” Jaehyun nodded, as the two entered a secluded cafe.

“Yo, did you see the trailer for Johnny hyung’s Netflix series though? I knew he’s been up to something but didn’t think he’d be on a Netflix series! He’s an actor!” Mark exclaimed, as the two settled down on a couch.

Jaehyun gulped, and felt his hands tense. The name he had been trying so desperately to avoid, and yet the name he had so longed to hear from. Mark, not noticing the change in Jaehyun continued to ramble about Johnny’s whereabouts.

It hurt Jaehyun more than he’d like to admit, especially as a part of him was saying that he should be already knowing all of this. He should already know where and what Johnny was doing, what his next projects were, and he should be the one FaceTiming and texting the elder at all times.

But he didn’t; the only connection Jaehyun had with Johnny right now was their group chat which was only activated when one member wanted to promote their solo project, update the others about their whereabouts, or when they found a silly meme that they wanted to share with the others. Johnny didn’t respond much, or even if he did, it was at a later time due to the time difference.

Jaehyun hated how he scrambled to his phone when it alerted him that Johnny posted on Instagram, hoping that he’d get a glimpse of what the elder was up to. He didn’t follow him on his public personal account when they first made their accounts, and he couldn’t follow him not either. So he followed him on his private account that only the members or his closest friends knew of, and secretly put on post notifications for the elders Instagram account. He cringed when he first did it, because even for him and his lying and selfish ass, it seemed too desperate. But he was, and at least he was admitting to that.

“I was calling Johnny hyung the other night, and he was telling me he’s dropping by Korea to promote his Netflix show! He says he has a couple of interviews and he’s also going on W Magazine.” Mark continued to speak, as he slurped on his drink.

W Magazine. Jaehyun felt his heart lurch a little at the name of the magazine. He had appeared in many magazines over the course of his career, and while he treasured his time and experience from all those shoots, W Magazine had a special spot for him and his heart.

It was the only shoot he had with Johnny and Johnny alone.

Jaehyun stayed quiet, humming along to whatever Mark was rambling on about as he twiddled his thumbs, watching the water drop from the surface of the tall glass, darkening the wooden table.

“—and Lucas was telling me about this show he was going on, and it’s so hectic man, I swear if we did anything close to it in Korea, it’ll be so good!”

Jaehyun chuckled in response, when Mark's phone on the table vibrated and his screen lightened up. Both men looked at the phone, and Jaehyun felt his eyes widen when he saw the name.

_“Johnny hyung”_

"Oh man, speaking of the devil!" Mark said, a gleeful smile crossing his face. Jaehyun felt his hands go clammy, as he discreetly tried to wipe his hands on his trousers. He wasn't sure why his heart was racing - it wasn't like if the elder was actually present, he was somewhere in Europe the last time he updated his Instagram.

Jaehyun always wondered who was behind the camera, taking the candid photos of Johnny nowadays. Johnny was always good at taking photos and uploading photos of himself that got the fans screaming and losing their shit. He remembers the cheeky smile he had whenever he saw the fans going wild in the comments or in the replies after he uploaded a photo of himself. While the members teased Johnny for his risky photos, especially the ones where he exposed his well-defined abs or biceps, Jaehyun always marvelled at how structured he was. They were always gym buddies, dropping by a cafe after their workout sessions. Jaehyun liked taking photos of the elder because not only was he beautiful to look at and take photos of, but because he allowed Jaehyun to fiddle with his expensive film cameras once Jaehyun mentioned he liked taking photos too.

It was almost too easy with Johnny - he was too giving, too considerate, too selfless. Jaehyun had once commented on radio that the elder was surprisingly prideful, and while that was true, the pride he had in himself only made him stubborn and believe in the opinions he had for the other members. It seemed like magic for the young Jaehyun, how well the elder took care of others but himself, too. He didn't shy from taking compliments, didn't keep quiet when he disagreed, and was always willing to let others explain themselves in whatever situation.

Jaehyun had half expected Johnny to oppose the group going on halt, especially because he was aware of how much Johnny treasured the members. He always said they were family, "One big family". So Jaehyun wasn't able to hide his shock when he saw Johnny nodding, solemnly, next to Taeyong when the leader expressed his opinions. Jaehyun didn't take it well, as he had ignored the elder when he tried to approach him. It didn't make sense for him, and he felt betrayed.

It was too much of a change for him. He found it harder to sleep, found it harder to keep the smiles and positive energy. He wanted to be like Johnny, who managed to stay positive even in the most desperate of times. There were times when Jaehyun found the elder's optimism irritating, but as he tried to smile, act sane in front of the camera, he realised how much of a strain it must have been for the elder as well.

Jaehyun had contemplated, many times, whether to reach out to the elder or not. But he couldn't bring himself to, and spent many hours staring at the "Johnny hyung" contact on his phone. He wasn't even sure what he was going to tell him - "I'm sorry"? For what? He wasn't sure what he wanted to tell him.

"-hyung? Jaehyun hyung?"

Jaehyun was snapped back to reality when he caught Mark's worried face looming into his sight. The younger had his eyebrows furrowed once again, looking concerned. Jaehyun quickly fixed a forced smile on his face, taking a gulp from his drink. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Hyung... you seem really tired, hyung. Why don't we wrap up tonight?" Mark asked, his voice low and laced with concern. Jaehyun winced - here he was, lost and troubled, and now making his younger brother worry about his well-being.

"Really, I'm fine! I've just been a little stressed recently - I need to cool off, seeing you makes it better, I promise." He technically wasn't lying, seeing the innocent Mark made him feel better. It was good to see someone who wasn't fucked up like he was.

"If you say so... well, I was talking about Johnny hyung. He's coming back next week!" The excitement was back in Mark's voice, and while Jaehyun wanted to coo at how genuinely happy the younger sounded, he felt a lump forming in the back of his throat. "He's going to be here for a while, apparently. He said we should go eat dinner together, if our schedules match." Mark added, a hopeful expression on his face.

"That's...nice. I can't say for sure, but I think I can make it." Jaehyun said slowly, trying to sound light. He wasn't sure how he was feeling - excited? Nervous? Irritated?

Mark's face fell a little again at Jaehyun's expression, as he began to twiddle with his straw. "I don't want to, like, be reading this wrong but... are you and Johnny hyung on bad terms?"

Jaehyun was taken aback, and it must have been obvious by his expression, as Mark grimaced. "You guys barely talk on the group chat either, and well, Johnny hyung always asks how you're doing, when he could just ask you, right? I mean, you guys were really tight. So, I thought it was kinda..." Mark trailed off, biting on his lower lip.

"Well..." Jaehyun felt his mouth dry, as he gulped. "We're both busy, and we just haven't had much to talk about, I guess." That was a lie, and it was probably obvious. Jaehyun and Johnny always had a million stupid and random crap to talk about. Their sense of humour didn't even make sense to the other members, and their random comments and actions only made sense to each other.

Mark nodded slowly, as he slowly stirred his drink. "It's just, I miss it, you know? The three of us. When we used to say stupid shit like 'foreign swaggers', and all that. You guys always took care of me, and I always felt safe when you guys were together. I don't know, I just expected you guys to stay tight even when we stopped living together." Mark slumped his shoulders, his eyes still on his drink.

Jaehyun wasn't sure what to say. He felt bad for making Mark feel like this, but he felt the same way, and even worse, for all this time.

"Me too, Mark. Me too."

.

Jaehyun stared at the white pills that rested on his coffee table next to the tall glass of water.

He remembers his doctor telling him to take them before he went to bed. After having troubles sleeping for far too long, his manager had somewhat forcefully taken Jaehyun to a psychiatrist. He was given sleeping pills - it wasn't his first time, but it felt like it was his first time all over again.

Jaehyun sighed as he grabbed the pills and popped them into his mouth, drowning the water soon after. He never liked taking sleeping pills, hell, he didn't even like sleeping these days. But he had to fix his sleeping schedule, fix himself.

Jaehyun trudged his heavy body to his bed, hoping for the pills to their job soon enough. Once he reached his bed, he noticed his phone lighting up the dark room. Jaehyun flopped onto his bed before he took his phone into his hands, squinting at the bright screen.

_[01:24] Johnny hyung_

_hi guys_

_i just landed in seoul_

Jaehyun woke up, startled. He was aware that the elder was arriving in Seoul soon enough, but not _this_ soon. And, fuck, he had read the message.

Jaehyun debated whether he should send a text back, but as his fingers were hovering over the keyboard, Doyoung had texted back.

_[01:26] Doyoung hyung_

_Johnny hyung!!_

_You didn't tell us you were going to be in Seoul!_

<(｀^´)>

Jaehyun felt a flood of relief wash over him as he saw Doyoung's name. He also couldn't but feel a little bit superior, because he was aware of Johnny coming back to Seoul, even if it was through Mark. He was somewhat surprised, especially considering the fact how Doyoung and Johnny had been close too.

_Maybe he's really busy and hasn't been talking to anyone...._

_[01:26] Johnny hyung_

_sorry sorry_

_its been a little hectic recently_

_we should meet up soon!_

Jaehyun sucked in his breath as he stared at his phone. The effects of the sleeping pills were going to be kicking in anytime soon, and he was feeling the all too familiar drowsiness suck him into sleep. Struggling to keep his eyes open amidst his slowly spinning head Jaehyun attempted to type some sort of reply back.

_[01:28] Me_

_i'm glad you're back_

_johnny hyung_

.

Jaehyun kinda wants to beat last night's Jaehyun up.

He woke up, feeling weary and drowsy, but at least felt like he had slept. And sleep was precious to this fucked up lifestyle right now, and while he was thankful for being able to spend one night without having to wake up panting and sweaty, he doesn't know what the hell he was thinking last night either.

He stares at the text he sent to the group chat, which he has a very blurry memory of. He remembers fumbling with his fingers, and he also remembers the warm feeling that washed over his heart when he saw Johnny's name pop up onto his screen. But this? No, he does not, for the love of god, remember sending "this" to the group chat.

Jaehyun groans and buries his head into his arms; Johnny hadn't directly responded to his text as the other members were quick to reply with their own versions of "Welcome back hyung!" and "what the fuck why didn't you tell us ?!", but everyone knew how rare it was for Jeong Jaehyun to actually respond in the group chat, especially to Johnny.

"You okay, Jaehyun-ah? You took the pills last night right?"

Jaehyun puts his head up to see his manager looking down at him wearily. Jaehyun manages a smile and nods. While his manager doesn't seem all that convinced, his eyes go back to the road and jaehyun lets out a sigh in relief.

Just when he was going back to his sleep, he hears his manager's voice once again. "Oh, I heard Johnny's back in Seoul? Are you guys going to get together?"

His eyes snap open and Jaehyun immediately feels himself tense, the sound of the seat belts clacking making it obvious.

“Jaehyun...?” His manager glanced at him from the rear mirror and Jaehyun just managed a forced smile as he attempted to settle back into his seat.

“Yeah, I think Mark said something about wanting to meet up and Johnny hyung said he wants to too so...” Jaehyun trailed off, his voice getting smaller and smaller as he spoke.

“That’s good. You need some time to relax, and get your mind off things.” His manager nodded in approval, as Jaehyun grit his teeth. “I know you and Johnny haven’t been able to keep in touch recently, but he’s always worried about you. You should talk to him, he always knows the right things to say to you.

Jaehyun didn’t know how to reply, as he attempted a half strangled hum. It was true, whatever Johnny said to him seemed to make sense because Johnny knew him so well. Jaehyun didn’t have to feel pressured in front of Johnny, he didn’t need to keep his ice cold “prince” demeanour in front of Johnny. He could be just Jaehyun, and didn’t need to worry about mucking up because Johnny had his back at all times.

“He’s been... checking up on me? The other members mentioned something like it, so...” His manager glanced at him again from the rear mirror to find Jaehyun absentmindedly fiddling with his finger, a small pout apparent on his face.

“He has. He asks me if you’re eating enough, if you’re sleeping. He worries about you, Jaehyun-ah."

Jaehyun doesn't know how to comprehend this information; a part of him wants to break into a grin, because Johnny hyung actually cares about him enough to take the time to message his manager. But another part of him just wants to curl himself in a ball and hide because he doesn't deserve this. Doesn't deserve to be cared about, to hear that he worries about Jaehyun when Jaehyun has tried so hard to avoid his entire existence.

Maybe because, even when Jaehyun knew he was being unreasonable and bratty, Johnny would treat him with respect and adoration that he felt like he didn't deserve. Jaehyun knew Johnny well enough to know that he wasn't someone who could stay angry or hold grudges against people, especially towards people he was close with, but how understanding and accepting he was made Jaehyun feel small. It almost would have been better if the elder had completely disregarded him and ignored him, refused to talk to him, but he didn't. While he made sure to leave enough space between Jaehyun and himself so Jaehyun wouldn't notice it, he was still taking care of him. And it was almost suffocating.

Jaehyun remembers how terrified he was for the elder to be disappointed with him when they were trainees, idols, and radio DJ's together. Jaehyun had always been confident, in who he was, his skills, and while the entertainment industry was tiring and exhausting, it was exhilarating and he wouldn't have done anything to trade the feeling of happiness, pride, and confidence to surge in his heart when he was on stage. But he was always conscious of what others said to him, and for some reason, he always wanted Johnny to be proud in him, to pamper him with love and attention. Johnny always treated him with care and Jaehyun treasured that, but was constantly afraid of the elder not seeing him in the same light as he grew older. There was a distance between them that Jaehyun didn't know how to close.

.

_[20:28] Taeyong hyung_

_its tomorrow right?_

_[20:28] Doyoung hyung_

_Yes, hyung, I told you @.@_

_[20:29] Taeyong hyung_

_right, just checking_

Jaehyun chuckled as he watched the two hyungs banter over text. Taeyong and Doyoung's relationship had its ups and downs, but in the end, they always ended up with each other. Nobody knew what the two actually were, but they seemed content with where they were standing, and no one asked. Jaehyun felt comforted to see their relationship stay the same throughout everything that they went through, both as a group and as individuals. He felt a pang of pain and guilt wash through him because he was comforted by the lack of change, but here he was, in a state where his relationship with Johnny had changed so much to the point where he didn't know how to fix it or change it.

_[20:31] Johnny hyung_

_Wait its tomorrow_

_[20:31] Doyoung hyung_

_Suh Youngho, I will literally kill you_

_[20:31] Johnny hyung_

_kekeke I'm kidding Doyoungie~_

Jaehyun sighed out in relief - a part of him was nervous as hell, he was going to have to face Johnny after about a year of not contacting him and avoiding any contact with him at all costs, but he was coming. Jaehyun was going to see Johnny Suh in the flesh after a year of suffering through the changes that he had been forced to go through, and most of all, hurting through the pain of not being able to reach out for the elder when he needed him most. He knew he was selfish, but he was relieved that the hyung didn't hate him and wasn't avoiding him. Or at least he hoped.

The next day came far too quickly for Jaehyun's liking, and while he did manage to snag some sleep thanks to the sleeping pills, it did nothing to calm the jittery feelings in his stomach. He was happy, of course, he was going to see his members all together after a year. Even the busiest ones who were overseas half of the time were all back in Korea at this perfect timing, and Jaehyun couldn't wait to see them together again. After all, they were family - they spent the best and worst times together, all the highs and lows, and while some were closer than others, Jaehyun was fond of every single one of them in different ways.

"Jaehyun-ah!"

Jaehyun turned around to see a car slow down, and from the window peaked out Taeyong. Jaehyun felt his face break out into a grin, as Taeyong, followed by Doyoung came out of the car.

"Hi hyungs. Long time no see." Jaehyun smiled as he was pulled into a hug by Taeyong and Doyoung smiled at him from behind. While the two primarily worked in Korea, Jaehyun barely had the time to see either of them.

"You look good!" Taeyong preened as he ruffled Jaehyun's hair. It felt good, Jaehyun thought as he batted his hand away. Felt good to be treated as the younger brother, to be doted and cared on. Ever since his solo activities began to increase, it was apparent that he couldn't hide behind his hyungs and had to be independent, because there was no group name to hide behind, or let others speak instead. While he had gotten used to it and better at it, he missed being the younger one.

"You had work today, right?" Doyoung asked Jaehyun as the trio began to walk to the restaurant Mark had booked for their get together. It was a short walk, and Jaehyun had taken a cab from his apartment but stopped at a block earlier because he wanted to stop by at a convenience store. "I had a interview in the morning but it ended before lunch - I was at home before this." Jaehyun answered.

Doyoung hummed in response as Taeyong began to talk about his recent work with a Korean hip hop artist, while Jaehyun nodded in response. By the time they had reached the restaurant, Jaehyun noticed a car pull up right in front of him, and out came Taeil and Haechan. The two almost immediately noticed the three men that were walking towards them, and Haechan broke out into a sprint, running towards Doyoung.

"Hyung!"

Doyoung, clearly terrified, tried to run away but was caught by the younger and was tackled. Taeil laughed as he went to pat Taeyong on the back and smiled at Jaehyun. "Hey guys. Good to see you all together.

Jaehyun smiled back as he hugged the elder. It felt good to see them. It almost felt like nothing had changed.

The five entered the restaurant and were promptly led to a secluded part of the restaurant where there were private rooms. As they approached their table, Jaehyun felt his heartbeat growing faster, and tried to still his nerves. He could hear the faint, low chuckle that he had missed so much. He could almost smell the warm, sweet scent he had envied when he was younger. He was here.

They entered the room, and immediately, Jaehyun's eyes found Johnny who was sitting around the table with Mark on his left with Yuta on Mark's left. Jaehyun sucked in his breath at the sight of the elder - he looked handsome as ever, with his dark brown hair and plump lips, his eyes which made crescents when he smiled. He stood up as the five entered the room, cheerful and bright as ever.

"Johnny~!" Taeyong hollered as he promptly ran to hug the larger man. Johnny laughed out loud, the sound Jaehyun had yearned to hear. Haechan quickly followed Taeyong in attacking the elder, as Mark laughed out loud, cackling at the sight of his favourite hyung holding two members.

Each member greeted Johnny who they literally hadn't seen at all over the past year in their own way, Jaehyun was the last one. He wasn't sure what to do - hug him? Pat his back? Nod his head? A million thoughts were swirling in his mind as Johnny let go of Taeil who he was literally engulfing into a hug.

Jaehyun felt the time slow down for a second when Johnny lifted his eyes to meet his, warm, filled with adoration and sentiment, as his lips turned into a smile.

"Jaehyun-ah."

Jaehyun wasn't sure whether he moved or Johnny did, but found himself crushing into the large arms of the elder as he inhaled the scent that he had missed so much.

"Jaehyun-ah, I missed you so much."

Jaehyun didn't know what to say.

.

The night was passing a little bit too quickly.

Taeyong and Mark, the lightweights of the group, were already drunk. It was apparent with how Mark was leaning onto Johnny's shoulder and Taeyong was making hand gestures that no one was able to decipher. Jaehyun, who had stopped drinking ever since his schedule had gotten a little hectic, was having a couple of drinks after three months. He missed alcohol, and maybe because of how much fun he was having, how comforted he was in the presence of his members, the alcohol was clouding his brain.

He felt warm and bubbly inside, and everything seemed _just right_. All his members were in the same room, chatting, eating, enjoying each other's presence. And out of all people, he was there. Johnny was there, right across him, where Jaehyun could reach out and touch him, where Jaehyun could call out for him and he would respond in a second.

Jaehyun blankly stared at the elder who was animatedly talking to Haechan and Taeil about something that Jaehyun couldn't hear. He looked beautiful under the dim light of the restaurant - his eyes sparkled with mirth, and how the sides of his mouth crinkled when he laughed out loud was a sight Jaehyun was sure he'd never get bored of watching. It almost felt odd; Jaehyun had gotten so used to seeing the elder over the screen the past year, that he almost couldn't bring himself to believe that he was sitting across Johnny himself, and was watching him move right in front of him. Maybe it was the alcohol, but Jaehyun felt like he hadn't been this happy in the past year or so. His face felt numb from how much he was smiling, as he continued to stare at the elder.

"Jaehyun. You're staring."

A finger jabbed at Jaehyun's right dimple, as Jaehyun slowly moved his swirling head to look at Doyoung. Doyoung was looking at Jaehyun quizzically, as the younger cocked his head. "You were staring at Johnny hyung. If you want to talk to him that much, you should tell him. Its creepy."

Jaehyun scoffed as he curled his fingers around the glass of wine he was drinking, and slung his head back to let the alcohol enter his body. He was pretty sure Doyoung was grimacing at the amount of alcohol the younger was taking, but it didn't matter. He was having fun, he felt good. As Jaehyun carefully put his glass back on the table, he caught Johnny looking at him, a concerned look on his face.

"I need a drink." Jaehyun mumbled, as he reached out for the wine bottle which was steadily emptying itself. Doyoung sighed as he took the bottle away from him, sliding a glass of water towards him. "No, you don't.

Jaehyun couldn't help but stick his tongue out at Doyoung, who rolled his eyes and took the wine bottle away from him.

.

Jaehyun wasn't sure how he ended up in the passenger seat of Johnny's car. Next to him. Alone with him.

Well, technically not alone, because Mark was dozing off in the backseat, but he was clearly knocked out and the sound of his soft snores could be heard in the silent car. Jaehyun bit his lip as he stared at the dark streets ahead of him while Johnny continued to drive with ease, humming along to a song that Jaehyun also knew of, and secretly hoped that Johnny liked too.

"...I didn't know you can drive in Korea." Jaehyun dumbly commented. The alcohol was still very present in his body, and his brain to mouth filter was barely working. Jaehyun still felt a little tipsy, his mind was woozy and in better ways than not, he was so comfortable next to Johnny as he drove along the night streets of Seoul.

Johnny chuckled as he glanced at Jaehyun before his eyes went straight back to the road. "I got an international driving permit. I travel a lot, and it's easier to get to places by driving. Besides, I like driving."

Jaehyun hummed in response, as his eyes fell on Johnny's right hand which wasn't on the steering wheel. Jaehyun always knew Johnny didn't drive with both hands on the wheel, and he hated to admit that it made him more attractive than he was.

"I didn't know you didn't drink tonight." Jaehyun said abruptly, trying to take his mind off how perfect it would be to have Johnny's large hand on his thigh. His thigh was literally pulsing, and he really, really needed to get his mind off how much of his thighs could be encompassed by his hand.

"Well, I came by car so I didn't have much of a choice." Johnny said, the small smile still on his face. Jaehyun hummed once more, before he began to sing quietly with the song Johnny was playing. "I knew you'd like this song." Johnny said, his voice a little smaller. His eyes were still on the road as the car slowed down to a red light.

Jaehyun felt his breath hitch as he couldn't help but notice how Johnny was flexing his right hand, grasping at thin air as the car came to a stop. His mind was racing - Johnny had thought about him, worried about him, and cared for him. And he was sitting right next to him, so close that he could reach out and grasp his fingers, intertwine them and nothing could stop him.

Yes, _nothing_ could stop him.

The surge of confidence was perhaps the alcohol, or perhaps the need for Johnny's attention on himself and only himself, but Jaehyun found himself reaching for the elder's empty right hand, intertwining their fingers in less than a second.

Johnny jumped up in surprise, whipping his head around to stare at the younger. Jaehyun couldn't help but smile at the surprised or rather shocked expression on the elder's face, because he did that. He was the one who had made Johnny Suh lose his chill in his car. And Jaehyun couldn't help but preen.

The elder, while surprised, reciprocated soon enough as he gently settled his fingers around Jaehyun's. His hands had always been larger, thicker, and rougher. But Jaehyun had loved that - their hands were like puzzle pieces, and all the memories when Jaehyun had reached out for the elder's hand flooded back. He was always there to hold his hand, whether it was Jaehyun trying to maintain his balance on stage or when Jaehyun urgently needed to feel someone's warmth, or when they were being a giggly mess on Enana, Johnny was always there to hold his hand, firmly but gently.

Jaehyun couldn't help but rub the elder's hands with his thumb while the elder continued to drive. He was here. Where he belonged.

"I'm going to drop Mark at his house first, but how about you?"

There were obviously things unsaid by his tone, and it took a minute for Jaehyun's alcohol infused brain to understand. Johnny was asking him whether he wanted to spend more time with the elder. Whether Jaehyun wanted to talk to Johnny for longer. Jaehyun pressed his and Johnny's palms closer, and was sure he heard Johnny's breath hitch.

"We can go over to my place?"

.

After hauling a very sleepy and cute Mark Lee into his own bed (and Johnny tucking him in with a bottle of water on his bedside for tomorrow morning just like the good dad he was), Jaehyun navigated Johnny to his own apartment.

A part of him couldn't believe that the elder was coming to his house, and a part of him was bursting with happiness. He had longed for this, the comfortable silences, their low hums, the small things that didn't need to be said because they both understood..

"What are those?"

Jaehyun had quickly made his way to the kitchen to make coffee because Johnny had complained he needed to "recharge" and had left Johnny in the living room. Jaehyun peeked into the living room upon hearing Johnny's question, and found the elder looking at the pills on the table, his eyebrows furrowed and expression hard.

"Ah... well, I've been having some trouble sleeping recently." Jaehyun mumbled, his voice obviously smaller than normal. Johnny's expression was still hard, and Jaehyun felt himself tense as the elder beckoned him to come sit on the couch next to him.

"Does manager hyung know?" Johnny took Jaehyun's hands into his, as he drew circles on the back of Jaehyun's hands with his thumb. Jaehyun nodded, unable to meet eyes with him. He heard Johnny sigh before he was enclosed in his strong arms for the second time that night.

"I know you're doing so well Jaehyun-ah, but nothing matters more than your health and happiness. You know this, right?"

Jaehyun nodded into the crook of the elder's chest, inhaling the sweet scent he was enamoured by. "I'll be healthy and happy if you're always here..."

He didn't mean to let it slip, and almost pulled back, when Johnny began to run his fingers through his hair, sighing deeply. "I want to too, Jaehyun. But like you have your activities here, I have mine elsewhere. And I know you wouldn't want me here all the time. You'd get sick of me and ignore me again." The elder joked, and Jaehyun whined in response.

"You didn't try and reach out to me either!" Jaehyun protested, while Johnny laughed, the vibrations reaching Jaehyun. "I know, and I'm sorry. I figured we both needed space, especially because I needed to get used to not having everyone, and you, around me at all times."

Jaehyun stayed silent - he knew what the elder meant. While Johnny was always rather independent, his activities were always with the other members. Johnny needed time to adjust to be by himself, on his own, and Jaehyun knew that. But it still hurt, to see him doing his own thing, going somewhere where Jaehyun couldn't reach.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you, Jaehyun-ah. I have and always will care about you. You know that, right? You're always special to me, and wherever I go, or you go for that matter, I'll always be there for you."

Johnny's low and soothing voice wanted to make Jaehyun melt. He had missed the warmth, the gentleness the elder always radiated. Jaehyun nodded slowly as he rested his cheek on the elder's neck while the elder languidly rubbed his back. It was comforting like this, and Jaehyun was sure he could get used to it. He felt his eyelids droop, and Johnny noticed it as well.

"You should sleep Jaehyunnie. I should get going --"

"No, stay. Stay please, hyung. I think... I can sleep if you're next to me."

Truth be told, Jaehyun was sure he could sleep anytime now, thanks to the wine he had earlier. But he knew he was going to wake up in the middle of the night, panting and terribly alone. He needed to be wrapped by the warmness, needed to be comforted by Johnny's presence. Johnny obviously hesitated, but Jaehyun knew Johnny was weak to his pouts. Johnny sighed, a smile creeping on his face as he shook his head.

"This is how you're going to convince me to stay in Korea, isn't it?"

.

After quickly washing up, the two settled into bed. Jaehyun immediately claimed Johnny's chest as his, while Johnny draped his long limbs over the younger's body. Jaehyun used to dislike feeling so small next to the elder, but he knew it was because he felt too safe. But now, nothing comforted him more than the heartbeat that was echoing into his body.

"Hyung." Jaehyun whispered, and the elder hummed back, his breath hot on the younger's neck.

"I missed you, too. So so much."

Jaehyun felt the elder's lips turn into a smile. Satisfied, Jaehyun closed his eyes to sleep, when suddenly, his face was cupped by the large hands that were on his back a few seconds ago.

His eyes snapped open, and even in the dark room, he saw Johnny's glittering eyes. The beautiful smile was directed at him, and for a second he was mesmerised.

"You're always my one and only, Jaehyun-ah."

Jaehyun let his eyes close as the elder closed the distance between them, their lips coming together. The kiss was sweet and gentle like everything else about the elder, and Jaehyun felt his lips curve into a smile, as Johnny nipped at his lower lip before letting go.

"Are you still using that '1AO' thing?" Jahyun joked as he let Johnny kiss the tip of his nose. Johnny chuckled, as he brought the younger closer to him.

"Only for you, Jaehyun."

**Author's Note:**

> I can't write angst for shit but this is the most angst you'll ever get from me. Comments and kudos are always appreciated, please come yell at me at twitter! I mostly only talk about johnjae!! 
> 
> if you love johnjae you're one of mine <3
> 
> [twitter!](https://twitter.com/143jnjh)  
> [curious cat!](https://curiouscat.qa/143jnjh)


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